The Cost of Silence

In “The Cost of Silence,” dharma teacher Vince Horn and guest Daniel Klein trace what it costs us—psychologically, relationally, economically, and spiritually—to withhold the truth, arguing that the small silences of the dinner table are the same debt that scales into complicity with collective harm, asking what it takes to finally stop paying it.

💬 Transcript

Vince Horn: So, welcome back to the Insight Diaspora. I’m your host, Vince Fukuri-Horn. Good to be here with you again in this exploration of ... I don’t know, what is it exactly we’re exploring here, Daniel? You have to tell me.

Daniel Klein: I think it’s going to be an emergent phenomenon.

Vince Horn: Great. Okay. Another of those emergent phenomenons. So, no, looking forward to this conversation genuinely. We are talking about the cost of silence today. And for a little background, Daniel and I had a conversation prior to this that we aired through Buddhist Geeks, and it was called The Cost of Truth. And there we were sharing some reflections from both of our experiences, in very different positions, in this sort of Israel-Gaza — I don’t even know what to call it anymore — kerfuckle. This situation is just terrible. We’re coming at it from different places, but both had this experience of speaking up and saying things that weren’t super welcome by our social groups. And so we’re talking about the cost of that, and what happens when you speak up even though it’s not really welcomed.

Today we want to explore the other side of that equation, which is the cost of not speaking up, because we also both have had that experience as well. And it’s not like we suddenly woke up one day and were like, “Okay, I’m going to speak the truth about everything, no matter what.” We’re both social humans, so we have gone through a process of learning how to speak what’s true for us. And I imagine Daniel, like myself, is still going through that process. So we wanted to talk about that today. And also, just before we jump in, I want to say a word about generosity. I’m not a huge fan of the generosity talks and Dharma things. I’ll be honest with you. It always felt weird and cringey to me. Now that I’m on the other end of it, it’s a different matter, of course. And Emily was reminding me that the Buddhist teachings start with the practice of generosity. If you look at the 10 perfections, the 10 Paramis, which are these 10 things we’re cultivating on the path, the first one is generosity.

So it’s sort of foundational. And it’s foundational to this project as well. We’re doing this out of the generosity of our own hearts. We’re organizing this and having these conversations and wanting to talk about things that are not super comfortable sometimes, or popular. And we’re putting a lot on the line to do that. And we’re asking, for folks that find this valuable, to meet us there, and to see generosity as a mutual process. And so, with that in mind, I just wanted to highlight that there are really two ways, in terms of financial support, that you could consider supporting us today.

One is by supporting this project directly, the Insight Diaspora, which runs through the Buddhist Geeks organization, which is an educational nonprofit. There’s a link in the chat if you wanted to become a supporting member of this project; you could do that. That money goes directly to supporting our guests. We donate to our guests to support their livelihood, and it supports us as organizers as well. And then I also wanted to highlight this organization that Daniel’s associated with. Each of these meetings, we want to highlight good organizations that are doing good work in the world. And so I wanted to mention the Soulforce Project, which promotes social justice using music and the arts. And I thought maybe, Daniel, if you could say something about this, because I know they’re your friends. Maybe what the Soulforce Project is about.

Daniel Klein: Well, one of the ways that I describe them is that they’re doing the work that we’re doing, but they’re operating at the level of arts and culture. So how do we promote deep transformational work in the field of liberation and collective liberation by bringing together world-class musicians to facilitate these experiences? Run by an amazing, amazing sitar player—

Vince Horn: Hmm.

Daniel Klein: —who I’ve done a couple events with actually in my own home. So he’s a dear friend.

Vince Horn: Okay. And is this a California-based organization as well?

Daniel Klein: Yeah, Altadena.

Vince Horn: Okay. Great. Awesome. And just for context, you’re based in southern California, I believe?

Daniel Klein: Yes. Yeah, Los Angeles.

Vince Horn: Yeah. Sorry to hear that. Having lived in Los Angeles. No, it’s a beautiful place.

Daniel Klein: I’m in my little bubble. I very rarely leave my living room, and it’s very beautiful up here in Topanga.

Vince Horn: Okay. Oh, yeah, you really are. Topanga is a bubble. So yeah, that’s the way to do it if you’re going to live in LA. Good. Well, again, Daniel, thank you so much for being here. This is such a delight to talk to you again.

Daniel Klein: Thank you all.

Vince Horn: Yeah. So I wanted to start with a quote, if that’s cool with you, Daniel, and just have you, I guess, riff on it or respond. This is the main thing that came to my mind when inquiring about the question of the cost associated with not speaking up, or not saying something which is true. This comes from a book called Trauma and the Unbound Body, by Judith Blackstone. And she says, “Children may be faced with a terrible choice: truth or love. They can limit their own senses and intelligence and be cozily embraced by the family, or they can stick to their view of reality, shutting down their heart instead of their wits and enduring the family rejection.”

Daniel Klein: Hmm.

Vince Horn: Yeah, you can probably see why I brought this quote up.

Daniel Klein: Yeah. Very, very powerful. Very powerful indeed, because I think that it’s really in childhood that we first incur this trauma of: there is a cost associated with speaking the truth. And from my own experience as a child, that’s where my own personal self split. The authentic self, and then all of the walls and masks that I needed to perform and to put up in order to be accepted by my family — and this goes deep into our deepest abandonment and rejection wounds.

Vince Horn: Yeah.

Daniel Klein: And in many ways it’s these small things, obviously, that start in childhood that then scale to mass atrocities. And I always say that, “Genocide starts at the dinner table, not in the halls of politics.”

Vince Horn: That’s a powerful statement. I’ve heard you say that before, actually. Yeah. How did you experience that, growing up in the West Bank? Because we talked about last time how you kind of made a break from the society and culture that you were in, in a certain way. But what happened prior to that? How was that at the dinner table?

Daniel Klein: Yeah. It’s really interesting, because this process of telling the truth is a very long process. Because very often we think things, and we already have this inner clarity, but then to get to the point where you reckon with these truths publicly, there’s this in-between stage, and that’s the stage of the silence where the real suffering is happening, where you’ve had this internal shift, but you are completely misaligned on the outside. And so when it comes to genocide at the dinner table, that’s the stage where people around you could start saying really shocking things. I recall a specific conversation where a close and immediate family member was laughing at the starvation in Gaza, and there was a news headline that said that a turtle had washed up on shore. And this immediate family member said, “I thought they’re starving, they can eat the turtle.” And that’s just really the kind of joke, the kind of comment that somebody can drop. And when you’re in this in-between stage, there’s this nodding along that you have — “Hmm. Hmm. Okay.” — because you can’t really speak about it. And that’s where you’re already caught in this trap and in this cycle.

Vince Horn: Yes. I’m super familiar with that. As you know, now living in the US, for the last decade or so the political polarization has been super high, and it affects these kind of dinner table relationships, where people seem like they suddenly became aware, “Oh, some of my family members are saying really awful stuff about immigrants or about people.” It’s not that they hadn’t been saying those things before. People become more bold and are willing to speak up and start to push back against stuff. But then that seems like it can lead very quickly to just the whole family system falling apart, or relationships getting strained because people start arguing about ideology. Does that make sense? It seems like there’s extremes there, like just being totally quiet, or just fighting with everyone.

Daniel Klein: Yeah, and ultimately it’s all relational. The way I see everything is relational. And so there’s no doubt that when you introduce truth into a relationship that was built fundamentally on the performance or the preservation of untruth, when you introduce that into the family system, there is an inherent collapse that happens. And even though you might see the fracture, it’s actually just revealing that it was fractured all along, and you’ve just been playing along in this fractured system. And when we were thinking about the cost of truth, I was thinking into it in my own life that the cost of truth is the cost of silence. They’re two sides of the same coin. The only difference is that the cost of truth is the cost of silence paid with interest. And so the moment you choose the path of silence, or not speaking truth, that’s the moment where the conversation should have happened, the intervention should have happened, and you chose not to, and that’s where the fracture starts, and that’s where the debt starts accumulating, to the moment you choose to tell the truth. But it’s still the same reckoning. The question is, are you going to deal with it now, or are you going to push it off to a future event?

Vince Horn: Right, where it’s probably going to be worse, because there’s now going to be, like you said, compound resentment that has to be aired as part of the conversation as well.

Daniel Klein: Which is what the family system has really always been built on. But again, that family system comes back to the individual who’s been experiencing and carrying this and playing along with the system, because each side is playing a game here — the side that needs you to perform, and you performing.

Vince Horn: I have a sense that you and I were probably different kinds of children, because I sort of fell on the side of truth over love in my family system, where I was just sort of perpetually saying things that were bothering people, fighting with my mom, pointing out her hypocrisies. Choosing in every single instance to side with the truth over with people finding me easy and enjoyable to be around. I’d choose abrasiveness. I’ve since thought that’s probably in part a function of growing up in a Palestinian-American family. There’s a lot of untruth being spoken, and there’s a lot that just by virtue of that family system you kind of don’t say. And so I think in some ways that was my unconscious reaction to the system. It’s like, okay, I’m just going to err on the side of always speaking up and speaking the truth. But it does lead to a lot more conflict.

Daniel Klein: Did you feel that you had the safety to do that, or what was the consequence?

Vince Horn: Sort of, yeah. I didn’t feel like I was going to necessarily be booted out of the family system, because there’s a lot of people in my family like that. There’s a lot of truth tellers. But there was always some concern that it could potentially break relationships in a way that weren’t fixable. That never happened, fortunately. Our family was able to repair through those ruptures. But yeah, that was the main concern, that I would alienate people.

Daniel Klein: Yeah, and I feel that I come in many ways from the opposite system, which is that there was not only a severe cost to speaking the truth ... Well, it wasn’t only a hindsight thing. I was told growing up what the consequences would be for crossing certain lines and certain truths. So I actually knew that the cost of speaking would be completely blowing up the whole system and all of the relationships, and suffering excommunication, disinheritance—

Vince Horn: That was explicit?

Daniel Klein: —those are the things ... that was explicit, absolutely. I knew what I was getting into. And actually from September 2023 until I started speaking publicly, when I’d initially left Israel at the time, I remember explicitly saying to myself, “Let me just get out of here. I’m going to go find a quiet, peaceful life in Costa Rica.” I had no plan whatsoever about actually speaking about any of it publicly, because I was still trapped within the mechanisms of control within the family and within the broader system, which are deeply, deeply connected, so that you need to pay an exit tax — a social exit tax, a relational exit tax, a financial exit tax, and a safety exit tax. And all of these costs are accumulating, and they’re actually baked into the cost of silence, because the silence that you’re choosing in order to keep the peace — it’s a massive, massive trade-off.

Vince Horn: Right.

Daniel Klein: What am I actually trading off in order to not rock the boat?

Vince Horn: Yes.

Daniel Klein: And if it’s safety, if it’s sovereignty, if it’s the actual externalized cost at a societal level, that could be the Palestinians as a people.

Vince Horn: Right.

Daniel Klein: But on the relational level, we’re always paying the price of preserving this illusion of silence. And within family systems and within broader systems, this is part of how it keeps people in line and in control, especially in the in-between phase, where they’re actually sitting with the suffering. Which also only comes with awareness too, right? If you’re not aware, you could just continue to perpetuate it. The pain starts when the awareness starts, and now you become aware of all of the pain that you’ve been deferring in order to not rock the boat.

Vince Horn: Yeah, which is built up. It’s interesting, you’re using a lot of accounting metaphors here — which I find interesting — and it has me also connecting the whole economic theory with what we’re talking about, where, in modern economic theory, you have externalities. Things that are happening as a result of whatever you’re doing in your economic system that you don’t see. They could be positive things, but oftentimes they’re negative, right? So it’s like, I bought these pens, they got shipped across the country, and I don’t see all the carbon impact that that has, and being able to get my nice fine point pens that I really like. And so it’s easier to pay the cost if it’s not visible. I’m wondering how that connects with what you’re sharing here, because it seems like there’s so much that’s externalized in that kind of system, like the trade-off gets externalized onto the person, onto the individuals, often.

Daniel Klein: Yeah, which I think is the essence of the colonial mindset and the colonial framework: externalization and othering. And it’s built on the denial of the people who benefit from the system. Because if they were to actually look at what keeps the gears of the system turning, they wouldn’t be able to live with it. And so part of what they need to keep in the silence is this aspect of denial. And silence and denial, I think, come hand in hand, right? We need to be in denial of the immediate reality in order to be able to accept the benefits of the situation.

Vince Horn: Hmm. Yeah. Wow. I’m thinking here of John Vervaeke’s work on the meaning crisis, and how he points out that it’s the same machinery that allows wisdom to occur is exactly the same machinery that allows delusion to function. To be able to hone in on something that you think is salient and then just sort of ignore everything else, for instance. You do that when you’re waking up and you’re letting go of distractions, but you can also do that when you’re just avoiding and ignoring things that are inconvenient to your situation. That capacity can be used for both of those things.

Daniel Klein: And it’s just being in denial of immediate realities, and that’s the essence of delusion, and the source of everything that we’re contributing to without actually looking at it or facing it and confronting it. And that’s where truth comes in. We have to be honest about what is actually happening in reality right now.

Vince Horn: Yeah, thanks.

Daniel Klein: And you had mentioned how using the language of the ledger — for me, this is also where the aspect of karma comes in, right? The ledger here is an immediate feedback loop. As much as we can be in denial of what it is that we’re not saying and what we’re not being honest about, that turns just into an absolute immediate feedback loop with what we’re experiencing in reality, because once you create that inner fracture, your embodiment and your nervous system and all of your programming is now starting to run things based on this untruth, and the consequences of that are impossible to avoid. They start being reflected back to us immediately.

Vince Horn: Yeah, so it’s like a karma that’s not necessarily — it’s a this-life kind of karmic pattern that you’re describing, like a social dynamic.

Daniel Klein: Yeah. That’s what’s being reflected back at us, and it also accumulates with debt over time. The reflection that we see, based on the escalation of denial, escalates on the outside, too, and we can never truly avoid it. If we were honest with ourselves, we would know that there’s absolutely no way not only to avoid the consequence—

Vince Horn: Right.

Daniel Klein: —but to not experience how it affects us every single day with the inner pain that we’re carrying, because to avoid the truth requires a massive amount of energy. And I think we had also spoken about it. Not only does it require so much energy in order to create all of the different mechanisms — you need your alarm bells, you need your walls, you need all of these components that are trying to protect what it is that you know to be true, all of the performance — and all of that energy is wasted. And at a deeper level, I think that when you go deeper into the untruth, that also fractures our own energetic system. That’s where the huge energetic leak goes, and we can’t be whole or complete or aligned or grounded when we have all of our energy leaking out towards this alarm system.

Vince Horn: Yeah. Okay. I wanted to mention too, I’ve been surprised exploring this topic and seeing the places where I’ve been silent, and then I’ve started speaking up, and then I’ve seen what the impact of that is. How frankly good people are at knowing when not to say something, even when it’s not explicit. Like you said, it was explicit in your family. But even when it’s implicit and you’re just picking up on vibes, or you’re just sensing something that could be an issue, I found that’s actually extraordinarily accurate, that sense. And when I’ve then chosen to speak up instead, it has really upset people in exactly the ways that I was sensing it might, but didn’t have any confirmation of. So I wonder, what is it in the human psyche that can attune so well to those relational realities? In a way it seems like a superpower, but we use it to also, again, avoid sometimes things that feel scary but are necessary.

Daniel Klein: Mm-hmm. So what I take from that is that there’s also an important idea, which is the shadow side of truth. Telling the truth is not always in alignment if it’s not serving the right purpose. For example, there’s a possibility where truth telling becomes a way for the ego to feel good about itself. And there are times where it’s necessary — or not even the ego, this could even happen on a chemical level. If I’m addicted to chaos, I might be telling truth at all the right times to all the wrong people, just to get a hit of cortisol and to create a dynamic that is actually wholly unaligned with truth. And so there is a discernment and an intuition of when is truth wise and when is truth serving, right? If our partner is completely dysregulated and we choose that time to share a very challenging truth for them to look at, or a blind spot that they have, that would be wholly unwise. Right? How do you know the right situation, the right people, the right nervous system, and also the ability to receive what it is that you’re saying? Because for many people, truth again just creates unhealthy dynamics. So it’s not to say that truth is always good, truth is always bad, silence is always good, silence is always bad, but rather each one of these things has its place, it has its light, and it has its shadow, and then we need to learn how to maneuver that game. Otherwise, you can get stuck in just rebellion cycles where you run around trying to convince everybody of everything all the time, and all you wind up doing is completely interfering with other people’s journeys too, and that has huge blowback as well.

Vince Horn: Yeah. Absolutely. Yes, and it can be true, but not appropriate, or well delivered, like you said, or timely. I think that was an early Buddhist teaching on wise speech: say things which are true and which are timely.

Daniel Klein: I forget the name of the movie. I think it’s with Ricky Gervais, where he’s the only person in the world that can lie. And so everybody in the world can only tell truth even when it’s not timely, and he develops a superpower to actually tell a lie. So the world in which everybody is telling the truth all the time and is not timely, it can be disastrous.

Vince Horn: Yes. Yes, indeed. I appreciate you bringing that part in — that one can be on the right side of an issue, morally, and still be communicating in a way that’s primarily about them, rather than about the issue. It’s primarily about me getting my needs met, or feeling insecure, or whatever it is. That’s a good, important point.

Daniel Klein: And playing with that. And first of all, having self-compassion, because I guess we always do this all the time, right? And just becoming also aware of how do I de-center myself, right? When do I need to put on the coat of the ego, and when do I need to take it off, in the context of telling the truth?

Vince Horn: Yeah. I’m curious about your thoughts on security, because I feel like so much of what drives people to stay silent — and I could see this for myself too — is that I mainly am not speaking up because I don’t want to introduce something that could make the situation more insecure. Usually this is especially true when livelihood’s involved. For me, it’s like being a teacher inside of a lineage tradition, and speaking up about this when the lineage won’t, I know that’s going to have an impact on my livelihood, a negative one probably. And—

Daniel Klein: Maybe.

Vince Horn: —yeah. It has so far. And so that’s a reality. And so I think there’s some amount of just pragmatism here of, okay, how much truth can be received while still being able to maintain enough relative security that I’m not sacrificing myself, if that’s not the aim here. It doesn’t seem necessary. Maybe sometimes it is necessary to sacrifice yourself for the greater good. I don’t want to exclude that possibility. But let’s say you’re not trying to sacrifice yourself, or you don’t think that’s necessary. You want to do this for the long haul. Okay. Where are the lines at times with how much we say? Because there’s a pragmatic reality here, I think, that gets lost in the idealism of activism, where it’s like, oh, actually, no, you can in some context choose to hold back. I recently did a coaching training program, and I didn’t lead with my Palestinian identity. I didn’t lead with the things that we’re talking about here. I waited until I knew who was in the room, and who was present, and then I spoke with people privately. And I had that sense, if I do this publicly, this could be not good. And it was connected to my livelihood, and I think back and I’m like, “Yeah, that was totally appropriate.” Given that context, given what I was there to do, I’m glad that I handled it that way and didn’t just come in guns a-blazing. So, curious your thoughts on the practical reality of dancing with this — the cost of silence.

Daniel Klein: So you’d mentioned earlier this idea that these systems are connected to the economic systems as well.

Vince Horn: Yes.

Daniel Klein: And it’s interesting because the economic matrix that we live in is also fundamentally built on fear-based systems. And we all live in realities, in one way or another, that if we’re not doing the right thing in the eyes of the system, we might get booted out, in which case I’m not going to have a roof over my head. What about healthcare, right? And so the same system actually is built on fear. And so I would actually challenge you in thinking about what actually does happen if we go to the edge of that fear, because how can we extract ourselves from that strata of the economic analysis, if the silence is actually what’s keeping us trapped in the same system and is what is perpetuating it? So I actually think that the question of Palestine is a reflection for all of the different systems that we find ourselves a part of, and to start asking ourselves the really challenging questions of, what does it take to actually extract ourselves from these different layers of suffering that are rooted in fear-based systems? How do we break that? How do we break it spiritually? How do we break it materially? Because I think that very often, whenever we get to a point where we’re afraid that being in deeper alignment is going to cost us economically, that creates the very conditions for us to actually not be aligned in the right work to receive the things that we might be able to receive if we were honest. And I actually think that there’s an exploration here, because as these systems kind of start their process of collapsing, they need to expose everyone to their deepest fears. Because if we each don’t individually confront these fears, the system is never going to end. And as we move through the era, it’s going to require us to do that. So for me, once I became aware of the exit taxes, I chose the path of going all in. I figured if I’m actually not free to be the person who holds these ideas or these opinions, maybe it’s not a room I should be in. And what I’ve been experiencing is that that’s what starts to open up these kinds of spaces and these kinds of connections with people who are willing to open up new fields of possibility. But it requires walking to the edge and not knowing what’s going to catch you on the other side.

Vince Horn: True.

Daniel Klein: And this could be a multi-year or multi-lifetime journey to learn how do we actually find that safety within. And I guess a lot of it does in fact tie into faith. But how do we find that safety within in order to start breaking these systems from the inside out?

Vince Horn: Yeah. There’s the safety within, and then I would add there’s the safety that comes from your mutual aid, from people around you, your community, et cetera. I was thinking about this. I saw a YouTube clip many years ago from this Rasta elder who was living this very radical life in Jamaica, and he was growing all his own food, et cetera. And he made this point that stuck with me. He said, “You cannot criticize people and still depend on them for help.”

And I thought that’s interesting. I don’t know if I completely agree with that sentiment, but there’s something really to it, where it seems like in order to be critical and to point out the problems of a system that you are implicated in, you have to have some fallbacks, in terms of mutual aid or support. And here the early Buddhist tradition has a lot to offer. It’s like, well, if all you need is a bowl and a robe, then you don’t need much from people, so you can say whatever the hell you want. You may not be living a lush, comfortable life—

Daniel Klein: Which is fair. It’s easy to read about those stories, but it’s a lot harder to put out a bowl.

Vince Horn: Right. Yeah, for sure. Yes.

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